I wrote this several weeks ago but have been hesitant to share it. Whilst rereading it, I realize it comes off a little… depressive. But I’ve decided to leave this post as-is because these are all things that I felt at the time I wrote it. But I think it’s important to note that I do not only feel this way. Losing weight has been a struggle, but it’s also helped me to learn more about myself. And while some days are hard, most days are great and I’m a very happy and grateful human. This is all a part of my journey and I treat each experience as an integral part of that.
As life would have it, shortly after I posted about my weight loss I realized that I wasn’t healthy. On paper, sure, I was healthy- my weight was the lowest it’s been in years which, of course, has other positive bodily effects. But I didn’t feel good.
I was falling into detrimental habits that I am unfortunately all too familiar with. I was obsessing over the number on the scale. People noticed my weight loss and told me how great I looked and congratulated me on such a feat. This should have motivated me but instead it tore me apart. My weight directly affected my self-worth, and as the number on the scale went down my esteem went up- and vice-versa. Suddenly, I only saw myself as a number on the scale.
Feeling like I had no purpose other than to be skinny, I turned to food for comfort and started gaining weight… Again. My mind began to fog. Those around me noticed my weight loss, so surely they would notice my gain. My face isn’t as thin as it was only four weeks ago; my waist not as slim. In my mind, everything I was eating was “bad”. I felt guilty eating anything. When I was home alone with only my dog I would actually put food back because JEEZ terriers are so judgmental!
In hindsight, I can tell that my behavior over the past month has been destructive. But I didn’t realize how bad things had actually gotten until two weekends ago when Jeff and I went away. On our mini-vacation, the hotel we stayed at offered a buffet breakfast. I could have eaten every single item lined up there and even if I felt like I was about to burst I would keep eating just because it was there. While I was eating delicious pancakes all I could think about was the next thing I was going to eat. It was here that I realized just how much of what I was eating was being eaten just because it was there. Starving or stuffed, food was my life whether I even enjoyed it or not. I always had to be eating. I felt ashamed.
In the beginning, I was determined to lose weight to look “good” in a bikini. I didn’t want to look back on my wedding photos and hate what I saw. I wanted to feel good about myself. But as people began to notice my weight loss, my reasons why morphed into just one reason: I wanted people to think that I was skinny; and if they didn’t, it meant I was nothing. (I realize that this has everything to do with me and NOTHING to do with my family and peers who only saw how hard I was working to reach my goal and were graciously congratulating me for it.)
But at the time, I couldn’t see what was happening. I was losing weight and so my self-worth and esteem were high and that was all that mattered. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t stop thinking about the leftovers in the fridge. It didn’t matter that no matter how much I lost it would never be enough. It didn’t matter that if I felt I’d indulged too much I would degrade myself with words like “fat” or “pig” or “ugly” or “dumb”. It didn’t matter because every day I was getting skinnier.
My mind wasn’t healthy; I was so detached from my body and what it truly needed. For some, like myself, there is so much more to losing weight than eating less. For me, it’s a lifestyle change, and as I’m adjusting my whole life I’m having to deal with stuff from every part of my life that has brought me here.
A lifestyle change isn’t always just about eating less, but may include changing how we handle problems or learning to eat mindfully instead of eating just because it’s there. Everyone’s journey is different, and this is a part of mine. I’m having to realize why I feel compelled to eat a whole bag of chips instead of a healthy-sized serving. I need to recognize when my body feels satisfied instead of just eating until I can’t breathe.
I wanted to share this because this is honestly where I’m at. It’s certainly not pretty, but I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly parts of my journey. Going through this has been difficult, but I think it’s also made me a better person. Writing this has helped me learn more about myself and by sharing it here, I hope to shed light on an issue not often discussed when people talk about losing weight.
Mental and emotional health are just as important as physical health. I’m taking some time to reevaluate and prioritize my long-term goals. Bodily health means nothing to me if my mind and soul aren’t also healthy. My personal journey is about finding balance in my body and in life, and my blog is a direct extension of that. Holistic health considers all parts of the body and though for the moment I’ve lost sight of that, I’m hopeful and know that each struggle only makes me stronger.